The dreaded two week wait. Any woman who has ever done IVF for any reason knows how hard that two weeks can be. You sit around waiting, wondering if you have a life growing inside of you or it didn’t take for some reason. You worry about taking your meds and if the 14 grams of caffeine in your hot chocolate is going to affect the chances of success- or affect the development of the baby. You have phantom cravings for pickles and fried mushrooms? You feel nauseous, your boobs are sore, you are an emotional wreck. Every little thing is overanalyzed because you simply do not know.
There are some women who are purists and refuse to take a home test because they want the BETA test to speak for itself, but also because they know that home tests can be wrong for various reasons. Then there are other women who take a test on day 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, watching for the slightest hint of a line. They get sad when there isn’t a pink line, even though it’s day 4 and there’s almost no way it has been long enough for the HcG levels to register. They see a shadow on day five and alternate between wondering if it is in their head, the result of the cheap test giving a false positive, or a chemical pregnancy. They see the line get darker on day 7 and think to themselves that this is it, but they still need to confirm with more and more tests.
It’s probably quite obvious that I am in the second camp. I tested! I tested and tested and tested. It drives me crazy, but I need to test because when I take that BETA blood test and get the call back with the results, I cannot hear that it was negative while standing in the hallway being passed by any students who happen to wander by. I needed to prepare myself for the worst while hoping for the best.
No number of little pink lines can fully assure me that I am really pregnant this time. I don’t know why, but even today, after two BETA tests with rising numbers, I feel it is all too surreal. There can’t be this tiny little human growing in my uterus. I feel like I will only be more secure in this pregnancy once I get to see the heartbeat on the ultrasound. I think maybe it all went too smoothly- too easy. I’m just very guarded right now.
The night before my transfer, my previous intended parents texted me. They told me they saw I was going to be part of another journey, and wrote with kindness, caring, and just a bit of concern. They had even counted the time period between their birth and this pregnancy to make sure I waited long enough. Their concern was so precious to me. Better than that, I got to see video of my beautiful, perfect little surro-twins dancing and playing with each other. I just felt this amazing swelling of pride that I am still considered part of their extended family. I felt like it was a good omen that this second journey would have similar results.
Well.................I am pregnant! I am thrilled and honored to be pregnant for this lovely IF and his dear family. I get to help bring another tiny human into the world. One that was chosen. One who is healthy, growing, loved and simply perfect. This little one will have an amazing life for all of those reasons and more. I can’t believe I got to do this once, much less being blessed to do it a second time. It’s just blowing me away!